TW: Mention of sexual abuse
First stop: Innocence
To start, my father told my sisters and I that we were his princesses. He said, “I love you” every day. I remember him playing music often, music was a key component in our lives. He enjoyed a variety of genres(that’s why I LOVE music) and was a talented singer.
One of my favorite memories is of him singing, “You’re My Latest, My Greatest Inspiration” to us, and kissing us on the forehead. I’d like to add, I inherited a gorgeous smile from my father, but I often smile even when I‘m sad. It’s awesome to have known love from him.
Second stop: Loss
Traditionally, some say opposites can attract, yet I beg to differ because my parents didn’t last. I should add that he didn’t abandon his children, he left the marriage. In spite of that, at some point, I lost myself. How did I forget the pedestal my father crafted for me? I miss him immensely.
Throughout my young life, abstinence was my family’s answer to sex ed. My family gave me insight as a child. They would simply say, “Stay away from boys they only want one thing”. “Love and respect yourself” amongst other things. None of it deterred me from having sex too soon.
To elaborate, I found out much later that loving myself was deeper than merely saying no to sex. I felt uncomfortable with self-gratification as a teen. So, I had no business indulging in sex if I didn’t know how to please myself. That statement remained valid as an adult.
Eventually, I went to college, became pregnant and engaged not long after. The whirlwind romance was another case of opposites needing to stay just that.
There was a time when I thought moving out of my grandparents to start a life, was a pivotal moment, but getting out of the situation I was in was empowering. Then I had to face the harsh reality that I would be raising and providing for our children alone. I opened my first business because it was easier to maintain my household as a single parent.
Later, as I matured it dawned on me perhaps children should see their parents in healthy relationships because they need to see how mates should treat one another. Was it beneficial or poor judgment to not have another man in their lives? I will never know. I didn’t have to be single for almost two decades, it was my preference.
Third stop: Emptiness
Even though, I wasn’t a virgin when I married, being inexperienced with an equally immature mate doesn’t count in my opinion. It makes matters worse when you’re with a mate that’s sexually, verbally and emotionally abusive. Needless to say, I had to do extensive self-healing. Now, it’s great that resources are readily available for victims.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is just one place to seek help. Discussions about sex was unheard of in my house as a child, so I didn’t want to talk to my family. The only person I felt comfortable to confide in, my gynecologist, told me we needed marriage counseling. I feel that being familiar with sex ed and my body would have been beneficial in regards to my sexual decisions in the past before and after the marriage. I definitely wouldn’t have felt ashamed to say I was being forced to have sex.
Fourth stop: Transition
To summarize, I was finally in a relationship and my mate lived out of town. So, I learned how to be alone for an extended period. Most importantly, he took the role of friend, confidant, made sure all needs/wants were taken care of and not merely intimately. As a result, I became comfortable with self-gratification which stimulated me.
Also, a good friend just so happened to be a toy representative. I made the decision to sell toys as well. Thereafter, I sold gadgets for a few companies. Consequently, I became a consultant with a then-new company Bedroom Kandi, and Bedroom Kandi by Shell’z emerged.
It’s great that BK advocates sex education because I was afforded the opportunity to meet Jamye Waxman, an accredited educator, at our first annual BK convention. After which, Jamye’s empowering speech, and sexual knowledge left an impact on me. I aspired to be educated in all things sex-positive.
As a result, I’m no longer guilty of making topics of sex taboo. My adult children and I are comfortable with having discussions now. I will finally have a Mass Communications/Journalism degree soon. In addition, I look forward to one day pursuing a certification in Sex Education. The climb back on to my pedestal liberated me. I dare anyone to knock me off of it.
Remember, obstacles only build character, so keep pushing on your path to greatness. I am.
The Pleasure Connoisseur