I didn’t have a problem with self confidence, nor was I missing love from my father. My dad raised us to be independent, strong willed, and proud. The future looked bright. However, I was a victim of abuse. There’s a misconception that abused individuals have low self esteem, or they’re weak. Some think we’ve witnessed abuse at home. Although these are factors in some cases, this wasn’t true for me.

It’s shameful how society will judge victims. From experience, I’ve heard responses such as, “My mother didn’t raise me like that.” Or, “I will never allow my partner to mistreat me.” Honestly, I’m guilty of having that mindset in my youth. Even though, my grandmother told me a long time ago, “Never say never, don’t say what you won’t go through because we don’t know what  life will hand us.”

He didn’t start as a monster. Usually, that is the case, but they sometimes show subtle signs. For instance, if he’s possessive that isn’t affection or love. They will attempt to break your spirit, in order to keep you captive.

What happened to me in the past had lingering affects. I suffer from depression and anxiety as a result of being in a sexually, mentally and verbally abusive marriage.  At times, I feel out of sorts, yet I try to uplift others even though my mind is often filled with noise.  So, despite the fact I always seem to be going through challenges, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure, or that I’m lazy. My situation doesn’t define me. I’m one of the strongest and determined women there is.

Also, I raised five children alone. I didn’t have the luxury of co-parenting or letting the sperm donor raise them. And trying to maintain business endeavors for the past 19 years was never easy. Then it’s my attempts at getting a degree, I’ve been in and out of college since I was seventeen. Eventually it will happen because I want it. I feel that all of my obstacles merely made me resilient. My life has always been harder than most but I never stop pushing. Therefore, if you’re going through something think positive, yet know life isn’t a fairy tale. It’s ok to feel like shit every now and again. That doesn’t make you negative… you’re human.

My grandmother used to say, “Beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing.” Please try to protect your  heart, soul and mind. I know we all can Land on the path to greatness, as long as we try.  It doesn’t matter how long it takes you, and if you’re hindered from making moves momentarily… stay focused. At 44, I’m not giving up on ANY of my dreams. I started my first business alone and I did pretty good. I can’t wait to see what my children and I achieve as a unit.

I’m going to continue to work on the legacy my son mentioned he was leaving at fifteen. My children have always been my rock, and writing is therapeutic for me. Essentially, I’m boosting my morale and hopeful I reach people that feel alone or feel that what’s happening/happened is their fault. It’s not… keep fighting… hold on.

Here are some resources for those in need. I’m glad that help is readily available to those seeking in recent times. The National Domestic Violence Hotline and Suicide Prevention Lifeline.